So, moved recently. New apartment in a much swankier and more yuppified neighborhood with a friend successfully trying to get away from the horrendous cultural dearth of the deep suburbs. It was interesting. He somehow managed to have a house guest the day after we moved in, so there was some great busting of ass to make the common areas hospitable despite the fact that our new landlord didn't much clean up the place for our arrival. Then, I scrambled about for a way to get the hell out of dodge and let the place alone to my roommate and his lady-friend.

So, I did a small moving job (this would have been last Thursday) and then got in touch with Mike. Mike is an interesting phenomenon. He and I went to middle and high school together in North Carolina and were some kind of nemeses. I've randomly run into him here and there in NC before moving here and for some reason he had typically expected me to have forgotten who he was. So, I run into him again; this time in Chicago, about a block and a half from my apartment at the time. I met his girlfriend, who seems nice and who pointed out a rainbow overhead. Good times.

So, now looking for excuses to get out of the brand new apartment, I called him up and left a weird answering machine message describing the scenario with pretty clear transparency. Intriguingly, he returned my call and we met to hang out at a bar, now with 100% less high school pretense. Cool guy, these days; an artist. Probably more of a realist than when I met him and likely more humble as well. I'm probably happier to see people and be around them, for whatever that's worth.

Let's see... still playing D&D 4th edition and enjoying that. We've been doing modular gaming. I'm designing my own, though, and want to make it more interesting than the standard fare. Think I'll frame the group for murder and kick them out of a major city. Also, introduce a villain with some chatty banter. See if I can't dredge up some character backgrounds in the process. All this as a lead-in to my roommate's own module, which could be quite interesting in terms of overlap.

Oh yeah, my roommate's cat is a bitch. I've met dobermans that absolutely adore me and this animal wigs out every time I try to approach my own furniture. Fucking creatures.

Anywho, hoping to have more guests and enjoy some wandering about in the near future; also, not being destroyed by the winter should be a good goal for me. I'd curb stomp that season if it were in any way a corporeal essence. Alas. Hope you folks are all doing well out there in ephemeral land. Take care.

-C

Do not read this unless you want to see crass representations of nicknames with no context, created specifically for posterity.

( Read more... )

I should probably find something useful to say here... nah, screw it. This is probably better if you like band, geeks, band geeks, video games or any combination thereof.



I've seen some good movies lately that perhaps I should go into detail about:

In the Mood For Love
The Wings of Desire
The Barbarian Invasions

They are all fantastic foreign films, one of which was remade domestically in about as mediocre a fashion as I could imagine. I was angry to see the director of City of Angels show up in the documentary about Wings of Desire. Alas.

I also finally finished "The Republic" by Plato. Man, he was a terrible writer.

Still gaming, though more board games of late. I have finally gotten to break into D&D Fourth Edition, which I love infinitely more than I ever did 3.5 or any earlier iteration.

Moving to a new apartment soon, which should be good. I'm pretty much ready to go, already. It may open up some opportunities for me, socially. Who knows? I'm in a weird, languid place.

Let's go read a book.

Man, I am tired. Probably a result of not sleeping when I ought to. It's intentionally done, though. I think I stopped updating because I forgot what the posterity element of the journal felt like, if that makes any sense. I'm updating now mostly reflexively. I found myself looking through my old entries the other day and so here I am again, but with nothing much to say.

I sort of feel as though the summer is a fever dream that's going to dissolve into a rough case of the chills at some point down the road. I'm not certain whether I prefer the Chicago weather or not. Living here, though, makes me want to visit a desert at some point. Of course, I haven't been back to NC since I arrived here, so that would be nice as well; after all, I do miss my friends.

My old boss actually offered me a substantial raise to go back and take up my former job and though it's enticing and would have been the culmination of the dream job at one point... I still hesitate. I just don't feel like going back with nothing would be a proper end to my phase of wandering West; if a phase is what it really is, in fact.

I find I'm reminding myself more often of late that I've known people through livejournal and other corners of the internet for longer than any of my offline friends have lasted me. It's interesting. At the very least I can say that here, people don't outgrow the readiness for proximity to one another. It's something. I think it's deceptively simple to decide to never speak to someone again out there.

Believe it or not, though I've always used my journal as a rambling post, I think it served to assist my focus a lot more than I've given it credit for so doing. It's not a needful thing in my life, though, which is probably why I'm always shrugging it off. Still, like anything, I find I miss people I know through this channel. So, if you're out there, it's good to have been nearer to you for another moment in time.

Donnie Darko... or Mugen.

Hm. I've been juggling a lot of issues with my lack of attention for internet tropes and I think I've come to a conclusion about how I interact with the world. I'm feeling more and more as though I'm a cultural abstainer. By that, I mean I choose not to involve myself in the morays of cultural trends as they exist in the masses today. I don't care about getting ahead, money, social interconnectivity, internet popularity, etiquette, political correctness, property, consumer indulgence... I think this list could go on and on. I'm not certain I've ever taken any of these things for essentials and I doubt I ever will considering I don't believe much in needs as a basis of approach to life. I wonder how large a counter-culture there could be to constitute that basic belief.

I now realize I haven't posted an entry in over a year. That seems fine. There's not much to say. I'm impoverished as many people are now (11%?), but that's neither here nor there. I have less in terms of physical ownership than I think I ever have, but have access to more culture and information than ever. So, it's still functioning, I suppose. That... is all.

Man, I've been having a pretty good week owing mostly to the weather and good company... then last night my sister explodes at me and flies off the fucking handle for no good reason. Sometimes she can be way too oversensitive. She's also apparently decided to push my buttons by playing the "I'm closing the shop" card whenever she can't handle what's going on. She seems to think I'm this passive-aggressive jerk when I keep telling her over and again that I'm an overtly aggressive asshole when the mood strikes me and an uncaring prick when I'm tired. Oh, well.

I've got money coming at me, which is nice. Made a hundred yesterday, making it one of my top five most profitable days ever; construction stuff is dirty and achey work. That's not a complaint. I kind of feel there's a rustic quality to it that I wasn't really noticing in Chicago proper before. I'm also helping my boss to interact with his son, which is nice because it gives that making-a-difference feeling that I've been lacking; his ex-girlfriend/baby-mama is a litigious bitch, my friends and acquaintances.

I met a woman the other night whom I wanted to ask out only to find out she has a kid (not really a problem) and a fiancée (fuck); but I couldn't help wondering why she should profess such self-doubt about her attractiveness considering that she has these things. I don't understand why people want to be other people. I'm no great shakes myself, but I think I've only ever really wanted to be a better, more inspired and proactive me. I don't want to be some other guy unless, I don't know, I reincarnate maybe? I don't put stock in that option, believe me.

Gamering tonight. I'll have the café to myself and we can play Spirit of the Century and I'll pretend to be a lapsed monk who gambles and kicks your ass. It's perfectly appealing.

Is this the truest truth? Have I found a group of indie gamers? Ones who eschew D&D and have limited familiarity with White Wolf because they spend all their time collecting games like Riddle of Steel, Spirit of the Century and Capes? According to last night, the answer is "yes". Since they didn't have a game plan I pretty much gave them the "let's play SotC" beatstick approach until they acquiesced and started coming up with character concepts. Me, I've had a concept brewing for like a month. I'm ready. They might want to play All Flesh at some point so I need to think about eventually getting my books back from NC. Hell, they loved the idea of playing Wraith: the Great War. !!! This is the only recorded kuwaii incidence I've had in many months, so take note.

They're all also comic book geeks so Capes is a possibility I'm hoping to pimp. They mentioned playing a game called Dogville (I think, maybe Dogland), so that could be cool. Also, seemed interested in playing at the cafe, which means I can have fun at work. Tim, the former boss, always said I could game at his store; but I always found the idea impractical, since there was no room to spread out and eat my cheetohs. Here I can close a bit early if the mood strikes and our customer base is limited enough that I doubt I'll be dragged away for more than ten minutes if people did come in.

I also got invited to Joliet, which using public transportation would take me three hours to reach. These guys were all also invited, which makes me think the recruiters might be somewhat dubious. So screw that noise.

I'm playing a lot in the suburbs. I've got one character that's a pretty hokey super-optimistic knight errant; that character is enjoyable because of my interplay with fellow player's hokey rapscallion character. Good times. Plot not too exciting yet, but since it's a homebrew world I can hope for expansion. We started at 5th level so are already pretty damn powerful, especially with me making my character a wound sponge.

I'm loving my Star Wars character. I've already gotten a jedi arrested and then blackmailed her to get her out of jail so she can train me to use the force. I presented this concept to a friend who was toying with running a game a while back and he poked a lot of holes in it and then never ran the game. Now, however, I'm having a ball and advancing the plot. Go me. Travel sucks, but my fellow gamers are accommodating to my limitations.

There's also the D&D meetup, which is a big dogpile of gamers and fun for simply that reason.

My mom is coming to visit, soon. I don't relish the idea of she, my sister and I all being under one very small roof together. Not at all do I relish it.

I have a lot of issues with my sister. I came and visited her in the summer and was somewhat pleased at how much liberty she had been taking with the prudish Christian schtick. She still annoys the hell out of me, though. I return the favor, I'm certain, but I find myself freezing into "what the fucking fuck, man?" mode a lot more often than I remember from the last year or so.

At her cafe, we're discussing cookies:
"So," she says, "if you feel like being nice to somebody, you can give them these cookies." ... as opposed to selling them those cookies.
"You know, I'm not usually that nice."
She starts doing a very exaggerated rubbing motion with the flat of her palm against the side of my shoulder.
"... Did you just try to rub off on me?!"
Then she gives me her signature caricature grin, which I hate and am always inclined to frown at and have told her is the fakest smile I've ever seen in my life.

We've got a lot of barriers, she and I.

Anyways, I've been gaming in the suburbs, so that's been fun at least. I've been thinking of some really freaky weird D&D style encounters that I think might actually be a fun epic-style campaign, especially if the characters start out on the heels of a not-quite epic party as sort of a mop-up crew.

Because I have disdain for them.

You know, I love my iPod. I don't know that I obsess over it, but it's nice in that it makes me not have to think about bringing music with me anywhere, ever. I find myself sometimes wrapping the cord to my ear buds around my neck like a noose as a sort of: "yeah yeah, I'm listening to something other than you; get over it." I've been on a few websites where people have listed iPods as their pet peeve. Man, you should see it as a blessing that they have a distraction from wanting to clash with you. I think that's all I wanted to say, actually.

Oh yeah, this website is pretty swank.

So, I discovered http://www.imeem.com and am listening to Love & Rockets, but have found some awesome live music assortments. Other than one song on http://www.pandora.com I've never found another place with any kind of Peaky Pounder, but therein I found an hour live session from Defqon. Also, my long aspired-to but oft-neglected goal of finding mp3s of the music that composed the Samurai Jack episode "Jack and the Ravers" has finally borne some fruit.

Someone gave me a copy of Macromedia Studio MX and I'm wondering if I can use it to do any kind of sound editing, but haven't had the chance to find out because I've been too busy dicking around with journal websites and an html copy of Spirit of the Century I found randomly somewhere (the link isn't the whatsits); I think I first heard of the game on the Forge, but memory is hazy now. I really would like to play it sometime but I met a lot of critical opposition from my friends when I mentioned it back when and I suck as a GM. Meh.

Hm, I saw Vast a while back, which was pretty damn good; they covered Chris Isaac's "Wicked Game" neatly. Also, I missed the Von Bondies last month for one of my sister's musical gatherings of... well, she and I listening to a musician; but they are returning and I intend to get in on that action this time, dammit.

Life is pretty dull and dreary and I'm going a little crazy with that, but spring isn't far now and I intent to take some very long walks, indeed, to clear the cobwebs. I might soon find some cashflow and take it to the learning center to pick up some memory and reading tricks that could propel me into some other projects with a renewed furvor that I've been lacking so far this year. At least, I'm hoping so.

So, I tried my hand at personal care... never again with that guy. It's not the work, coworkers, the medical problems of my employer; no, it's pretty much just that he's a bastard and treats everyone else as retarded people for not being able to understand what he wants. And that's a pretty big hurdle when you consider this guy keeps his mouth stuffed with cotton all day and can't touch his lips together.

The first thing he asked me for was "Ghilllle juuse" which made me wonder to myself "what the hell is Gillie juice? Later I found out it was Gail juice (which I should have known when I went in for an interview, right?) and I remembered that Gillie weed was something out of Harry Potter. Since I was basically being paid three dollars an hour, there's nothing that would make that job worth my time. So, to hell with it.

So, the day of Christ has passed. I received something like thirty to fifty pounds of canned goods which on the way here my mom made an insanely big deal about packing. I really wish she just would have told me to open them immediately because it's all food and I could have been, hmmm well... eating it! So that's ridiculous. We ate ribs, though, my sister and I and dulce de leche (which I'm not even going to try to accent properly right now). I'm very tired.

So, I'm thinking of being altruistic for money. No, I'm not actively trying to be a hypocrite; I want to find a job that benefits my fellow man (or animal as the case may be) as opposed to finding some irritating retail job that will pay me just as much or more. Maybe I can think about other things that are worthwhile to do as well. I don't know. We shall have to see.

My fucking jaw and left knee have been smarting for a good several days and it's very irritating.

I like pie. You can clearly see that I'm rambling. Happy post-holiday.

P.S. I recently realized that this song would later become Gravastar, which I also love... but it still seems like cheating. For shame Healings and Truman, bad Hybrid!

Still alive, yes. Every time I've felt there was something to say I kind of glossed over it. My week of vacation. Meh. My burgeoning seasonal depression yet again? Faugh! My new laptop? Whatever. My apathy is so strong now I swear it's a miracle I've done the dishes in a month. Not sure if I've just checked out, into Chicago, or if I'm just free-floating in a self-created vacuum waiting for the atmosphere to rush back in when I inevitably re-energize for no apparent reason. It doesn't really matter.

Meanwhile, an old friend, kind of questionable because of his user personality, has been around more often and actually putting a lot of stock in me. There's something very empathetic about abject nihilism that I, for one, wouldn't trade for the world. On that note, sympathy doesn't mean anything to me in comparison with real empathy. I do everything I can to be sympathetic, but I know it's meaningless.

Sympathy just means you're listening. Empathy might actually be more similar to real understanding.

So... when I get to Chicago, it's going to be all kinds of frigid windy. I might start sporting a coolie hat.

Hurray for the Yearly Sick! I've lost my voice, which I'm sure is a treat for some people, but it's annoying the hell out of me at the place of work. In this particular case, I think it's symptomatic of the final phase of the sick, since all of my other symptoms have melted away. Being ill is a rare treat for me. It's like dying a little and having a few days to feel attentive towards my own body. It's usually very painful when it happens, so it's kind of meditative in a fashion. I was hanging out having a drink with some occasional friends from the next city and they got into a huge, ridiculous semantic argument, so I had several moments to center myself on my physical unravelling process. I wonder if my immune system is going to start going to shit and I'll end up getting sick more often. It wouldn't be so bad, really, but I'd feel empowered if I could avoid it.

I'm very intent upon getting an iPod and maybe a laptop before I move. Some of my action figures sold for a tidy profit, so I may just be able to afford this with my other collectibles.

Just saw the most recent Harry Potter movie last night with friends. It's good to see the tone of the story evolving with time. This installment finally classified Harry as being an intuitive wizard of great innovation, but also showed his ability to work diligently and share his inspiration with others. For once, it seemed feasible that he could stand against dark forces, since he was actually spending all of his free time focused towards that end. Since Goblet of Fire ended with him getting so completely bitched by his enemy, this seemed quite appropriate to me. I especially loved seeing Alan Rickman subjecting him to torture sessions for his own good. It's also kind of quaint to see his experiences as a boy, sharing the awkward exhiliration of his first kiss with his best friends and learning to fear himself as all teenagers do. Plus, the mass wizard battle at the end didn't hurt. This was the most hackneyed Helena Bonham-Carter role I've ever seen, but the movie had enough breaking glass and Ralph Feinnes being an intimidating badass that I didn't exactly mind. Poor kid, everyone who tries to love him dies. I did find it a little odd they didn't touch on the fact that he ostracized his lady friend without just cause, but maybe that's for later; them's the breaks.

I've seen a lot more of these friends lately because I've resolved to move and I think that's for the best. Maybe a transient lifestyle would be generally more healthy to me in that way.

I've been dreaming odd dreams. I feel very strange and unfocused, but I want to get on track so I can absorb all the books and magazines I have before I discard them in the near future.

Back from Chicago.

My sister offered for me to move in with her. Basically free rent. I think she's serious. I'm considering it. It makes me think of how few bonds I really have to this place after fourteen years of living here. If I did it I would want to acquire some things first, like an iPod and a laptop (maybe a few programs as well). I'd have to ditch most of my comics and convert my CD collection into a megabook(no fucking way I'd get rid of them). I'd end up biking and bussing everywhere, probably.

Is there anything for me, here? I can count my friends on one hand, the acquaintances I see more than monthly on two. I like my job, but I'm not excited about it very much anymore. I wouldn't mind getting further away from my mother, closer to someone in the family I might actually develop my relationship with. My sister and I are polar opposites, of course; but at least I love her.

The real appeal of this place is that I can indulge in what culture I find in books and multimedia alone, without disturbance. Can't anyone do that in a major city, though? I heard fewer sirens in her condo in Chicago in three days than I do on any given day living a block from the interstate and a mile or so from the local hospital. I'm not needed here; but I'd be useful there. Hell, I could probably get my boss to give me free tickets to Chicago Comicon, come to think of it.

I don't know. I really don't need anything, but how can I know that I would want what I'd find over there? Would it be like returning home or would it set me on a transient path? Would I even mind it the latter were the case? Might it be good for me to do so? Maybe I should sleep on it for a while.

I wonder, would there be romance, could there be in the Mid-West?

Hm. So, apparently I'm going to Chicago in a week. I have no idea what I'm going to do there other than visit my sister and perhaps cook for her. Here I was thinking my vacation days would be going to waste! It's good to get out of the house every once in a while.

I saw my friend last week and he read tarot for me four times. Apparently it was necessary because my destiny's as murky as my chocolate lucky charms milk. ...So that's reassuring. I think I'm into it more to see my friend interpret my life path. He was talking about relationships in some fashion, and difficulties and the obvious thing came up. "But relationships are always difficult. God. Damn it." Man, ain't that so?

Gaming again with the D&D crowd. Hard to say if I'm going to burn out on it, but true to form all my local wells have dried. I'm edging in some mention of indie games because I'm so damn tired of making D&D characters that don't fit my imagination and White Wolf characters that I don't believe I'll ever use. For a group that supposedly likes to experiment we sure are confined in our choices.

I wonder if one day we can play Spirit of the Century or Beasthunters or the like. I have a Heroes Unlimited rant stored up in me somewhere.

So, we were playing heroes and my character died a spectacular, unfulfilling death! Hah! ... Damn.